The 3 Rs of Trauma is a communication model for children, devised by Dr Bruce Perry, a pioneering researcher and neuroscientist.
The Three Rs are Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They provide a pathway to facilitate access to the learning brain of a traumatised child, therefore steering the youngster from severe distress to emotional balance. The core hypothesis is that reason and logic are beyond reach when a child is in a disconnected and distraught state; think trying to apply adult common sense to a screaming child.
Dr Perry’s method approaches trauma from a neuroscientific perspective and centres on language and tone to move the subject along a positive curve from distress to emotional balance. The approach has had me thinking about how we communicate, handle stress, and support one another in the land of the grown-up.
In times of fear, danger, or stress, we fire off the same neurotransmitters and have the same physiological responses to stress and worry as children. We do of course have the advantage of an upgraded operating system in the form of the fully developed adult brain.
As a Dale Carnegie Trainer and Coach, I’m both a practitioner and enthusiast of the principles that underpin our work. They are a direct representation of Mr Carnegie’s personal values and characterised his approach to communication, relationships, leadership, and stress management.
It has been a particularly testing couple of years for us homo sapiens; COVID-19 lingers on, creating shaky ground for people of all ages. A few years back, HSE research revealed that 12.8 million working days were lost because of stress. That research was conducted pre-pandemic. As leaders and coaches, I see it as part of the job description to meet people where they are at. We should be taking that extra time to build bonds and deepen trust and when it comes to stress and worry, helping to manage the load.
A framework to strengthen relationships and reduce stress
It’s unlikely that Dale Carnegie thought too deeply about neuroscience, though it is intriguing to see how prescient he was when shaping his communication methods. His self-awareness, humility, and immense emotional intellect absolutely unite with the contemporary thinking that defines modern therapeutic and coaching interventions.
So, utilising the proven science of Dr Perry’s Three Rs, alongside some classic Dale Carnegie wisdom, here’s a simple framework for improving the quality of relationships, while helping stressed out colleagues and coachees achieve emotional equilibrium.
Regulate – this step is about calming the fight / flight / freeze response through simple soothing language. Regulate corresponds to:
Principle 10 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it i.e. – moving away from drama and taking ourselves and your own emotions out of the way.
Principle 14 – Begin in a friendly way – in other words, not fighting fire with fire.
Relate – this stage is about sensitivity – tuning in, relating, and connecting, so the person feels understood and acknowledged. This links to:
Principle 17 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view – not just in terms of how they are thinking, but also how are they feeling.
Principle 18 – Be sympathetic with the others person’s ideas and desires.
Reason – this phase focuses on teaching, to help the person reflect, articulate, and self-regulate. This stage relates to:
Principle 28 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to – in other words, enabling and showing them, we have faith they can do it!
Principle 30 – Get the other person feeling happy about moving forward.
I like to think of that latter principle as gaining cooperation on the journey to emotional balance, something that applies to children, and the child in each of us.
Resources:
Managers Matter – a Dale Carnegie Leadership Whitepaper
Female Leadership – our approach to developing female leaders.
Kirsty Tagg is a Relationship centred business consultant – partnering | collaborating | connecting | co-creating| to build successful people and business.